Thoughts

Poker. Just the word makes me realize how small-time I was. I was on the top of my world and all it took was a few months away from the game to hammer home the truth. For the industry, I’m a microscopic loss no matter how many “Please come back. There’s money in your account” emails I get. For the competition, my absence isn’t noticed. My share of the profits that is now available is minuscule once divvied out. To the community, my writing was pedestrian. I broke no new grounds. I was just a small fish in a big ocean. I don’t even think my home game exists anymore. Broken up as people have moved on with their lives.

I’m not depressed. That’s just the state of things. From King to pauper in less than half a year. I won’t go so far as to say it’s been the best thing possible for me but there is definitely a flip side. At times, an air of invincibility clouded my judgment. At other times, my world was shattered by someone else’s good fortune. Now that I’ve forced myself into a position with some perspective, things look a little different. Invincibility? Puh-lease. MY world? Hah. I was an ant. My self-imposed exile has forced me to read more. Study more theory. Basics and the edge. Two+Two has never been more inviting. I play a little too. Not real poker but its an exercise that I invented for myself. (More later.) I’m in a state of adaptive hibernation. The predator sleeps but never stops learning. In this arms race one can’t afford to fully sleep.

My ostracism also gives me time to focus on the future. My future. How will poker and my life combine? What are my options when I come back? How will these change is online poker is made illegal?

I see the writing on the wall now. Perhaps the distance is making me cynical but three more years of conservative legislature is a death sentence. I don’t have much room to complain since I helped put it there despite our political differences. I don’t regret my choice. My reasoning was correct. Things are just getting out of hand. It’s going to be tempting to use my ticket to come back early. I feel I should be back fighting for poker as well as other things. And I want one more taste of the pie before it’s wiped from the menu.