The Seminole Hard Rock (or was it “Easy Listening?”) Casino

Here’s the scene:

I’m on a job out in Florida for two weeks, with my own hotel room, a fatty cash advance, and plenty of time on my hands. It’s the weekend, and I’m only thirty minutes from South Beach, thirty minutes from some of the hottest clubs in the country – girls, booze, music, you name it.

What do I do with myself?

In the old days (that is, the single days), this would have been a no-brainer. As it stands, though, a lot of my options are taken away from me (read: “My balls have been cut off.”). So instead, I start browsing, looking for the nearest card club. Turns out the closest one is the “Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino,” some sort of unholy amalgamation of an Indian casino and Hard Rock. But they have cards there, so I’m drawn in like R. Kelly to a Sweet 16 party.

So on Sunday, I drive down, and the spot looks decent on the outside. I see a few Native Americans, dressed to impress. Nothing too out of the ordinary. As I walk in, the first thing I notice is the powerful aroma of old cigarettes … something I should be used to by now, as a card-player. As a Californian, however, it’s gonna take some work.

Anyway, after a bit of searching I find the board to sign up for a game. There’s a long line for that, which doesn’t do much to impress an esteemed casino critic such as myself. But the really annoying thing was that once I got to the head of the line, I was informed that I would have at least a 45-minute wait before I would be seated to play. 45 minutes??? Who do they think they are, the Bellagio? The wait turned out to be TWO HOURS (!), so I window-shopped at the most expensive Quiksilver I’ve ever seen, talked a few Native Americans about the weather, yadda yadda. The spread wasn’t all that great either; the only cash games they had were $1-2 Limit Hold ‘Em, Stud, and Omaha 8. Any casino regular knows how crappy this is. I imagine they do that to keep out the sharks (didn’t work on me, :-P). They also had lame-ass sit-and-go’s with $140 buy-ins. That’s just insane. I considered signing up for one of those for about a whole second. Then I saw they only paid the first two places. No thanks.

Overall rating of the Seminole Hard Rock? Huge thumbs down. The only bright spot was that the players there were pretty much either complete fish, or so straightforward you could read them as easily as you can this blog. So if you’re into winning two bucks an hour taking candy from senior citizens in a smoke-filled dive, then, by all means, visit Hollywood, FL. Just remember to bring along photos of nice eye candy to look at while you wait hours for a seat, because you won’t see any walking around.

I fold on this one.

Ratings (scale of 1 to 5):

Player Quality (x2.00): 4.5
Cardroom/Staff Quality (x1.50): 2.0
Comp Quality (x1.25): 3.0
Tournament Quality (x1.00): 2.0
Game Variety (x1.00): 1.5

Total Weighted Points: 19.25
Total Weights: 6.75

Weighted Average: 2.85

For more information: Seminole Hard Rock Casino